i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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