you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
