Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
