Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
