Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
