i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
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