My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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