I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
