i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
