I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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