I cannot find my penis.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
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