Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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