I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
