I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
im holly from the hills drunk
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
last night I used snow as a chaser
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