I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
