the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
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