i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
