How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
