So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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