I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
then he tried to convert me to islam
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Randomize
