My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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