Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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