Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
My vagina is very pro this idea
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
