I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
