so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
