please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
