so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
