I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize