WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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