Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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