i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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