My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
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