My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
