I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Come share oat with me in your robe
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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