My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
