If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
