So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
well you can't waste a boner
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
