Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize