Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
