next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
