I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Randomize
