Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Randomize
