Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
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