That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Randomize
