Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
