Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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