i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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