I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
the condom got lost in my hair
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
This baby is an asshole
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Randomize
