can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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