Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Randomize
