Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
