And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
