First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
