Everything about him screamed your future.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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