Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
