i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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