No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
